Three weeks in
There’s now been a shift towards assessment across all of my subjects. I’ve either handed in minor assignments or, in the case of Chinese, grading of class tests has begun. A substantial piece of assessed work is due in a week for Literature and Performance, which consists of a closed reading of a passage of Shakespeare – I’m doing it on Othello. The paradox is that I’m enjoying all of my subjects except for the subject I actually went to back to uni to study.
To say that about Chinese isn’t an easy thing to admit to but it’s true. Class engagement is low, the pressure is extremely high and it’s such a lot of work that it’s impacting other subjects like Lit & Perf which involves a shitload of reading. It’s not all bad, I’m being completely owned in the practical classes but I’m actually starting to understand the listening comprehension and it looks as if I’ve managed to convince them to provide the listening materials so I can practice that. The theory/vocab classes are quite pleasant but by the weekend all I can remember is the holocaust of the practicals. I’m writing this on Saturday morning staring down the barrel of needing to study very hard all weekend to the point that I’m actually resenting needing to take a break to go to a Massive Attack concert tonight. This wasn’t what I had in mind returning to university.
It’s working though, for someone who literally began to learn how to write Chinese less than two months ago, I’m actually forming sentences in Chinese and writing sentences in Chinese. At one point I was filled with a sense of wonder looking at the paper as this strange and beautiful script flowed forth from my pen. It was fleeting, snapping back to reality with the realization of just how messy it is. I should put up a scan as a time capsule!
I came out of the dreaded listening comprehension class feeling like I had actually taken a stab at it. Despite the fact the teacher marked my effort and said “I’m sorry you only get x marks, you must try harder”. She needs to say that, I did badly. She’s not interested in my herculean catch up effort and she shouldn’t need to be. What she didn’t say was “You really shouldn’t be here.” That was significant, a big shift from the discussion a week before about how I ought to perhaps drop back to a lower level class.
I forgot to bring my listening comprehension book so I ended up needing to sit near some barely motivated school leavers and kind of measuring myself by their standard probably helped in that regard, because they’re simply not as good as they should be. One of the very first things the coordinator said when I arrived for my first class was that one can expect some people are a lot better. Yet at the end entirely different people will be performing well due to the work they have put in. There’s not a class I go to where I don’t think about those words. I can do this, I will do this.
The effort required is, however, a source of stress as the knock-on effects impact elsewhere in my life. I’m due to go diving in Tasmania in Easter, which is awesome. Except I really need to get back into the water to check my gear and make sure my skills are brushed up but there’s absolutely no bloody way I can get away for a day to do it. So I worry about the fact I’m going to take off to a goddamn holiday unprepared. I also realised last night that I wasn’t particular nice to my wife when she came home from work when she could have done with it. I was transfixed with what I was doing and while I wanted to engage, I thought I’d lose my place. So then I get stressed about the fact that I’ve not been the husband I should have been either.
So there you have it, university so far has been far more interesting and engaging in all the subjects I thought would be a bit meh, while I’m getting spanked hard in Chinese. The lack of time means I’ve not pushed for working on my spare Mondays either (if my fellow students knew the hourly rate I’m on for this time I’m giving up they’d have a pretty interesting reaction I expect…) which makes finances that little more perilous, all the while being very conscious that if I don’t get good grades, my mid-year BA entry application is less likely too succeed and having to pay for another semester at full whack would be financially crippling. Do I work so I have the money in case I don’t get into a CSP mid year, or not work so I have the study time to get good grades to increase my mid year application?
Right now I’m really hoping I can just skip work for a couple of weeks and things will get better. So taking off a single day for work is not an option. A solid weekend on Chinese and then Monday on the Lit & Perf essay with a one-off Philosophy, Politics and Economics Essay Writing lecture on Monday afternoon… If I really pull my finger out, maybe, just maybe, I can aim for a dive next weekend before Tasmania… God I hope so, I don’t want this stress to boil over to feeling unprepared when I jump into those crystal clear blue waters…
Unfortunately my pal has just got back from Thailand having bought a rebreather and will doubtless be diving that. So there’s a pretty good chance he’ll die on my holiday *. Goddamn, the inconvenience of it!
* Note to self, must ask if I can have his stuff.
